The Fall Out....

What have we been doing since going through the past year's challenges? How can we transition into the "new normal"? I wish I had the answer. I found a secluded spot to kayak over to so I can take time to think, to process, to plan and to enjoy solitude. I never tire of the Charleston Harbor. The water represents life: choppy at times, calm other times, up and down...

The summer was really spent working as much as I possibly could to get caught up and before I knew it school was starting back. Bruce is focused on getting stronger and physically fit now that he is finished with all treatments. He is so strong and he is always looking forward, never back. I must be honest and say that I process everything after it is over. I have given myself a lot of time to think and pray over all that occured last year. To digest having a new middle schooler, a new high schooler, a Senior with prom, graduation and all that comes with it, and with Bruce and his illness. I am forever thankful we had so much help and support. I am also blessed to have strong faith instilled in me by my mother. I have felt very introspective over the past months, fighting the urge to try to get caught up on everything we put aside last year. I found a wonderful blog that I am enjoying www.bowlfulloflemons.com. I am working on getting the house organized and it is just a fun blog with good ideas. Our life last year was filled with such serious issues, it is now time to "lighten up" and get back to enjoying the small pleasures. Therefore, for me, I love to organize the house. I will begin to post backwards and share some of the amazing times we had with relatives this past summer!

Making my way back,
Joanne

So much has happened in our lives, I do not know where to start, how to express my thoughts and feelings, which is why I have not blogged in so long. How do I explain that I am a person who experiences a delayed reaction to stressful events? How do I explain that while I am going through difficult times, I can persevere, but when they end, I only then begin to process the events and feel the complete range of emotions that emcompass the entire journey? Maybe it is all the years of working in critical care, maybe it is all the years my siblings and I were exposed to high stress situations; I am not sure. I do know this: I could feel the unravelling beginning in May and continuing as time progressed. The emotions have been suffocating, but a necessary part of ending a long journey. We celebrated life events, birthdays, high school graduation, having wonderful family in town, yet it all seems like a blur to me. I was unable to truly embrace and enjoy it to the fullest extent.  Yes, I am thankful for the blessings. Yes, I am sad that I have been overwhelmed at a time that I would love to be just enjoying and living in the moment....I am sure God placed all the amazing family & friends around us the first week of summer to help us through the last leg of our journey. For where I was stressed, they were calm, where I was anxious, they were laughing and lifting me up. Where I was overwhelmed, they had a plan and a way to pull it all together. Thank you to everyone who has been there this entire time for our family. Bruce is completing his final chemotherapy, he has an appointment to get his Port-A-Cath removed. I feel like we have been running a marathon this year, and we are finally reaching the finish line. Personally, I want to thank all who understood when I was up, when I was down, when I was impatient, when I was distant or when I just needed to talk.

Earnestly,
Joanne

Turning 18!( from April 16th...)

This is a BIG birthday for parents, really it is. I was not prepared for the flood of emotions evoked by the first child who turns 18 in the house....Morgan chose California Dreaming to have her dinner on her birthday. She and Matt went in the boat and met us there. We waited until the last minute to plan, so we could see how Bruce felt. Well, he was sure able to enjoy a wonderful dinner and we all had so much fun. We laughed, we cried, we ate, and almost melted her cake with the 18 candles!

This year, our family from Kentucky is coming to Charleston for vacation. I thought of you all and cannot wait to take you all to some of the beautiful restaurants on the water, go boating, enjoy the beach and downtown area! Enjoy the pictures.
Joanne

humility

Why do I have these dinner pictures followed by the disheveled picture of me on the phone? Well, they are not in the correct order...you see, the top pictures represent one of my favorite quotes: "Begin with the end in mind...."

I woke up one weekend feeling very down. One of those days...and I wanted to have a pity party, I really did. I planned to. I was having my coffee on the deck and feeling sorry for myself. Then, I thought, I can't do this, I can't go down this road...I need some inspiration. So I decided to call my friend, Saralyn. Saralyn is experiencing a lot of challenges right now. She is a strong Christian and a very smart person. I did call her, and I poured out my heart to her. I said something like "we should just go somewhere fun and get away..." She did the most wonderful thing a friend can do; she let me know just how much she cared. So much, that she let me know that NO we cannot run from our problems, our family, not even for a moment, not even emotionally, not at all. She encouraged me to run to them, towards all the emotions, the stress, the angers, and to give it all to God. He certainly is strong enough, large enough and more than able to take it all from us.

Thank you friend....the photos of the family happily eating dinner on the patio- I took your advice. God did the rest....He encouraged me and guided me to cook a wonderful dinner, and create a peaceful place right on my patio to serve my favorite people.  In essence, we CAN do all things through Christ!

Joanne

The blessings of boys, and brothers.....

When I reflect on my boys, many things come to mind.....boating, risk taking, sports, music, building, creating, tools....life is very interesting with boys! They challenge you to try new things, they invite you to take risks. I love the blessing of having both genders, and I revel in the uniqueness each brings to our lives. I discovered a love of boating and the water with Matt. I have the joy of the piano and cello with Michael. They are constantly trying new things, keeping me on my toes, and leading us into exploring new places and hobbies.

So many people have asked "what can I do to help" now that Bruce is not as active as he usually is? I am concerned about the boys not having their father ready to accompany them on the boat, or a camping trip. I am concerned about Matt, being 15, and in need of mentoring. God, of course, provides everything we need. I always admired my brother, Chris. We were never as close as I was with my sisters. He is a wonderful father,husband, and brother. Anyone reading this who knows him, is aware that he has a magnetic personality, that just draws others to him. God steered my family into a home right accross Harvorview Road from his family a little more than a year ago.We have strengthened our relationship with each other and our families.   We love his family! It has been a huge blessing to all of us. We are constantly back and forth, the boys playing, sharing meals, fun times, and lots and lots of laughter.

"What can I do for Bruce?" Chris asked me. I told him exactly what was needed: mentor the boys. Mentor the boys the way he does his own. He is a strong role model. He has reached out in so many ways to them. He takes Michael shopping to staples & lowes, because he knows Michael loves to go. He goes out on the boat with Matt, invites him camping with his son, and never seems too busy to take time with them.

So, Bruce can relax and take the time to rest during this round of chemotherapy. He can rest assured that God has once again, placed the perfect person, at the perfect time, in our path.

Enjoy your boys today. Love them for their boundless energy, their sense of adventure, their fearlessness.....

Happy Easter!

Joanne

P.S.

And, for anyone wondering how Bruce is doing....well, he is really really feeling the effects of the chemotherapy this time. He is asleep on the sofa, as I blog. He went to church today, but had to leave a little bit early. He is not one to complain, he is still smiling, but he is suffering, I can tell.

Bruce went back to work today, I am so happy that he is moving forward. He is healing. ONE more round of chemotherapy, and we will be celebrating healing! He is getting out and going places again. He will be able to attend Morgan's graduation, enjoy having his relatives from Kentucky in town this summer, he has been very blessed. We are eternally grateful for all who joined us in prayer, supported us in so many ways for so many monthes. We have strengthened relationships, deepened relationships, grown stronger and closer to God and each other. So, although we would not have chosen this path, it has been a blessing in many ways.

Joanne

Bruce landscaped this pathway for me. I envisioned a pathway to  highlight the tree, and Bruce found a way to do it. Then our friends, the Rollins, installed lighting in the tree. It is so beautiful, now, day & night. It provides a canopy over the patio and I love to sit out there at night listening to 80's music and relaxing. This weekend I sat out there, as I always do on the weekend. My thoughts were of Liz & Joshua Miller. I thought a lot about Liz, so young, so sweet, now left to raise their beautiful children. I, like so so many, have been praying for her so much. I did not know Joshua well, however, he and Liz were the first 2 people I connected with when we joined Seacoast church, and they made an indellible mark on my life.

I felt confused and guilty when we decided to leave Catholicism, and join Seacoast. It was an entirely different way of worshipping. One Sunday, during response time, I was grappling with our decision and I decided to go to the back and pray with the prayer team. There was Joshua & Liz, half my age, so young, yet so sincere. I poured out my heart to them; they listened and prayed for me. I was immediately blindsided by how deep and how far along in their faith they were. I continued to pray with them Sunday, after Sunday, each time coming away stronger, with a clearer vision of what God wanted for our family. They were so kind and giving. I will never forget that.....

Now I am praying for Liz. My heart aches for her and her loss. I know her strong faith will carry her. If you have encountered someone who has impacted your life, please share that with them. Seeing Joshua's life end so abruptly reminds us all how short our time here is.

Blessings,
Joanne

The Storm

Storms are always followed by beauty in some way; the sunshine or perhaps a rainbow. Of course my family has been in a storm for the past 7 months. It reminds me of the ocean, sometimes calm and serene, other times choppy, frightening, uncharted waters. We have certainly received many many blessings through friends, strangers, family members, coworkers, and I am in awe of the creative ways others have chosen to reach out to us; it has been a learning experience and so comforting. I feel like a bridge was built by so many & we have been carried through these months and grown so strong as a family. Now, we are emerging from the pinacle of the treatment: the surgery, which was very complicated and far more complex than even our amazing Dr. Esnaola anticipated, but here we are, still moving forward in the journey and beginning to see a glimpse of the light after the storm! It is an exciting and exhilerating time now! One more round of chemotherapy after Bruce has fully recovered from surgery, and we will return to a more normal pace of living. We will never be the same, but my prayer is , that having experienced these hardships, we will be stronger, and more faithful servants, ready to help others who may embark on a similar journey.  Bruce & our family have been through a range of emotions over the past month. We have cried, laughed, been fearfully silent, been worried, overwhelmed, insecure, so many emotions...but now I can see some light. Today, the pathology reports showed that yes, the cancer had been in the lymph nodes, but it did respond to treatment, and Dr. Esnaola, feels confident that after one more round of chemotherapy, Bruce's chances of it reoccurring are less than 15%. So today we rejoice, knowing that all the support, love, prayers, and generosity showered upon us from all of you, has brought us this ray of sunlight.

To anyone reading this who has lost a loved one from cancer, my heart felt sympathy; for to have travelled this road and incurred  the loss of a family member or friend, would be excrutiating. My prayer is that my children and I will become more aware of the suffering of others, and be ready to mirror the generosity that you all have taught us so well.

Gratefully,
Joanne

In between

In between the doctor visits, the treatments, the surgery.....life goes on with a family. My only daughter is a Senior in high school. We have ordered graduation invitation, taken Senior pictures, filled out financial aid information, job shadowed a graphic designer(Thanks Ann Marie!), even purchased her prom dress! I adore this little girl, and the boys too, of course....This morning as we get ready for school, and I prepare to go to the hospital with Bruce, Morgan offered to come sit with me this afternoon with her father. Morgan is a gentle soul, a giving person. She works hard at Outback Steakhouse, she goes to school, & she is always willing to help out with her brothers. Her smile lights up a room, she has a very calm demeanor, and it is so comforting to have her in our family. She and the boys offered to go spend their day with Bruce yesterday, their school holiday was willingly spent in the hospital. God is Good. Today I am thanking Him for our children.

In between,
            the doctor visits,
                          the treatments,
                                          Bruce & I decided we are living life to the fullest,
                                                                   enjoying family & friends....
                                        some days that committment is harder than others.....


/Right now it is hard.

Joanne
               

I cannot remember the last time I had such a long and exhausting day. Bruce, myself and the kids watched all our favorite Wednesday shows last night and laughed...then we came here to MUSC around 530 with Gayle. It was such a long surgery, 8 hours of operating time. I love the way MUSC takes you into a private room to speak to the surgeon. He was sompatient, so kind. He removed the tumor which was tethered onto the colon, so it was more difficult than he anticipated. We will know more when the pathology results come back. Then we will know if he will need more chemotherapy. lymph nodes were removed. so now we are in the Ashley Tower. For those not local, it is a stat of the art facility with a view of the Ashley River. I can actually see the mouth of the tidal creek we live on from this window. that is a blessing to have a view. Pain is well controlled with narcotics and with an anesthesia block. the usual IV's, drains, oxygen....to be honest I feel right at home here at my old place of employment. I love taking care of post op patients, ESP Bruce. Thanks for all the help and prayers Joanne

I am not sure why we have this picture on our computer. I  am sure Bruce has a reason for it. I do know this; the RING represents a bond, a bond of shared adversity. It is a bond built by years of hardship and rigor at the Citadel. It is really not much different than a wedding ring. The wedding ring often represents a bond of shared adversity. I will be handed both rings on Thursday, when Bruce is wheeled into the operating room. He knows he can trust me to hold on to both rings, to cherish them, because I know what they represent. I know. We have a bond, one of shared adversity, one of shared triumphs as well. We have no doubts, no fear of the surgery. We have prayed and prepared. We have been loved and supported by many. I will be in the waiting room, with our beautiful children, as well as Bruce's family. We will be smiling, and we will be positive. We have faith and our journey has reached the pinacle of the staging of cancer: the removal of the tumor.


Thank you all for walking in faith with our family, for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your support. My wish is that we will all grow in faith and in knowledge of God's hand in cancer care and healing. I will continue to update during the hospital stay.

A special thank you to my own children. As I anticipate all that is ahead, I admitted to them yesterday that I know I will be short with them at times, I will get tired and irritable. Each of them told me they understand. Each asked what they could do to help, and offered to do whatever was needed. That is joy in the journey!
Joanne

I feel so for Bruce, he has such a complicated surgery ahead. February 16th is the date. We spent 8 hours today at MUSC getting all the information and meeting with all the new doctors and health care professionals in our lives. Persons who were complete strangers only yesterday, are in charge of our future today. I asked the question, you know the taboo question today of Dr. Esnaola. I asked him if by June Bruce & I would be back out on the boat without a care in the world?? I know it is crazy, but we really want to turn back time, we really want to be floating around in the harbor watching the sunset....but Dr Esnaola's answer was "we just have to take it one step at a time" He doesn't know that I am impatient, that Bruce is the patient one. February 16th Bruce will enter the OR with the best surgical oncology team in the southeast. They will work for many hours to remove the tumor and any cancerous tissue. They will be guided by God and will probably not ever know all the prayers that have taken us to this point. They will use their talents and skill, they will give Bruce the best possible chance of becoming cancer free. Dr Esnaola assured us he will take out what is necessary, no more, no less. More chemotherapy? Yes, most likely. But this, I know, WE WILL be back out on the water this summer, watching the sunset. We will, and we hope we will be celebrating the healing power of God.

Bridges

For so many years, I worked "shifts" as a hospital nurse. Dealing with life & death, with tradgedy and triumphs...at the end of my shift, I came home. Like closing a book, it was so easy to leave, then the next day pick it up again and begin another chapter. Now my "shift" is long and seemingly never over, each day spilling into the next and the next. I no longer work shifts, now I am on a continuim with Bruce, of  intervals of tests, procedures, treatments, surgery. We go to work, we go about our daily routines, and we await the next "staging" of treatment.

How does it all get done? How do our children continue to thrive, to study, to persue their dreams and goals? Every need, every time I pray for a way, God puts someone in our path to provide. Each one of you, who are taking the time to read my thoughts and feelings, YOU have met a particular need of ours at some point in time; maybe without even knowing it. The batting practice provided by Lance for Matthew, the bat loaned to him by Baylor, the access to a washer & dryer by my sister in law when mine broke, the meals cooked by my friends and co-workers, the cards sent by out of town relatives with written words of encouragement, the free use of a Cello for Michael from his strings teacher, the dinner brought over by the high school friends of Morgan's, I cannot even write down all that has been done for us,it would take pages and pages . Bridges have been built, relationships have deepened, we have been humbled, and we have been provided for in so many ways.

I have always found it hard to accept or ask for help. Maybe it was pride, I am not sure. Now I have had to humble myself and ask for myself, for Bruce & for my children. I grew up thinking poverty was the biggest obstacle in my life, and thinking if only I had the money to get what I needed, life would be complete. God has shown me that what we need is to rely on each other. All the money in the world does not buy health, does not buy time, does not buy happiness. My prayer is that others, will rely on our family, as well, and not be afraid to ask US to help, to share, to provide. Building bridges is about crossing over, not in one direction, but back & forth, until it becomes a well worn path. That is friendship, that is family, that is faith.

Humbly yours,

Joanne

Time....

Time is measured in such small increments. I seldom stop to think about its passing. I am too preoccupied with other things. I drive to school every day and can hardly recall the drive. This week as I was driving over the James Island connector, like I do every morning, I looked out over the expanse of the marsh. The marsh has turned it's winter color: brown. I call it "spun gold" because when the sun hits it, it is golden. I could not believe the change had escaped my notice. I love the marsh and I love to notice how it looks different in each season, and in different lights.

Have you ever thought you are handling life well, so well, then look back and realize you were not. Realizing you were coming unravelled; a slow unravelling, so slowly one is hardly aware of it? That describes my holiday...I am sharing the pictures. They look so normal. The same decorations as always, the same traditions, smiles, warmth, even laughter. I did feel so many of the normal happy emotions, however, I also felt the weight of the world, trying to create a Christmas holiday that will be remembered. The most subtle difference, for myself and for Bruce, is that it seems time is standing still. We are hanging in the balance of waiting for the "final touches" of the treatment. Hanging on hope, waiting for the surgery date, waiting on the word that we can resume our normal life, our normal pace, and time will begin to move again, in a pace we perceive as the "norm".

And how is Bruce? how are all of us? We are just like you all. Some days we are laughing and happy, some days Bruce and I are frustrated and argumentive, some days we feel close, & some days we feel worlds apart. Tonight I went outside to let the dog out. I was standing on the patio, enjoying the cool breeze. I glimpsed into the window of the den. It was breath taking: a fire burned in the fireplace, Matt curled on the couch listening to his Ipod, Bruce & Michael playing a game of chess. Upstairs the windows illuminated soft light and I know Morgan is curled up on the cough, watching TV, painting her nails and chatting with friends in her "den". Breathtaking...because every day, everyday life with a family, is a blessing. YOUR prayers, words, concern, and care of our family GIVE us these moments. Give us these small increments of time that erase all the arguments, the stress and the doubts.

Joanne