Life with cancer.....

Cancer is such a dauting word. We all have mental images of what it is like, we all have the fear of it, and we all have the ability to overcome the obstacles it presents...with faith, of course.

Some days look like the picture posted, and that tends to be what we share. It is hard, especially for me, to share the difficult times. It is hard to allow myself to think beyond today right now. It is hard for me to stay positive some days. It is hard.

How is Bruce? Really, how is he? He is doing so much better than we anticipated. He still works, he still laughs and most days he is still his cheerful self. But, he is so tired...He cannot do what he used to do. His mind wants to get so much done, but his body is exhausted. He is in pain, but does not complain; just gets quiet. We miss having him on the boat, or running around town doing Christmas outings, but honestly, we are thinking of future Christmas' and want him to heal.

What is next? Surgeries....

Final thoughts this Christmas Eve are about all of you: family, extended family, friends, co-workers...we receive blessings DAILY! Our mailbox is filled with beautiful cards, letters and words of encouragement. I have not baked a thing, as friends have shared their baked goods with our family. I have a spiral ham sent as a gift to serve tomorrow. Right now, my brother has the boys with him, out doing fun Christmas things....Morgan is wrapping gifts, Bruce is sleeping, and I am basking in the peace and quiet of this day.

Cancer. I think about it everyday now. I also am reminded everyday now, of the amazing family & friends we have in our lives as well as God's hand in all of the trials and tribulations that we endure.

Wishing you all a blessed holiday,
Joanne

Love, laughter, and sparks of light....

I used to wonder what it would be like.....if someone, in my family, besides myself, was suffering.....

if being a nurse would be a help or a hinder.....

if I would still be able to smile.... to enjoy life... to be strong

Bruce is strong. He is wise. He does not complain, but he has slowed down so much....The children are strong, they are amazing and patient....Rhenabeth has been a blessing.

God shows us His glory and greatness through others. Angela's love for Tristan, her dance with her father at her wedding, her smile and the joy of sharing a beautiful day with her family....it brought tears, laughter, and light into our journey. It reminded Bruce and I of our wedding day, and our wedding vows. Of our committment and our love. We are strong, because we believe.

Look for sparks of light in your life, they are all around us.

Happy holidays

Joanne

FoJo Family

I have so so many people that I am thankful for in my life, especially right now as many are reaching out in so many beautiful ways. Tonight, I am focusing on my "FoJo Family" as I call them. They are my work family. My job, is a ministry for me and my co-workers are truly family.
I worked at MUSC for so so long. I was arrogant,really, I was arrogant and hardened by witnessing tragedy after tragedy, by learning to cope with deaths of children, tragic deaths, by hardening my heart. We all did that, it was a way to cope. I was forced into a career change when my health deteriorated and my beloved sister, Julie,became a victim of a homicide,all in the same weekend. I left MUSC behind as I struggled along with my family, to find healing and closure. I stumbled upon school nursing, green to the school system, and was quickly humbled by the challenges of being the only medical staff in the building. I waa embraced by the amazing, hard working staff of Ft. Johnson. The staff treated me with kindness and welcomed me into the school. I fell in love with Ft Johnson and with school nursing; the students, the staff, the uplifting environment.
It is this very staff, these dedicated teachers, administrators, and every staff member, that has chosen to join our family in our journey...they have fed our bodies & souls the past month. Dinner is always ready for us on Thursdays. They are swamped with work, they are busy with their lives and commitments, yet they take the time to cook for us, to write us cards and to keep me smiling and cared for daily at work.
Thank you FoJo family. Thank you for all the caring and giving. Thank you for letting me serve at the school. Thank you for teaching my children and caring for my family. Thank you for joining us in the journey as we pray for Bruce's healing. Thank you for being you.
Joanne

Tuesday I took the day off of work to go with Bruce for a day of radiation and chemotherapy. Chemo is a long day, about 5 hours of sitting in a room, chair after chair of adults receiving their infusions. I am too comfortable in this setting, Bruce is becoming too comfortable. We were sitting next to another man, who was 48, and has stage 4 esophageal cancer. His wife was with him as well. We all had so much in common: raising children, working parents, in the throws of the "business of life...." We gradually progressed from solemn to laughing, joking about the "C" word, the hair loss of her husband, getting used to the "new normal", enjoying each day.
The long day, soon whittled away, together the 4 of us, coping, laughing and learning that the 4 of us had something much stronger than cancer in common,much greater, much more important. We learned on Tuesday that the 4 of us were believers. We shared FAITH. They shared their motto "God's Got This", I shared our bracelets, they decided to get their own bracelets, and we all left happy & hopeful. Stage 4 Esophageal cancer and they are still happy; THAT is FAITH!

Happy Thanksgiving,
Joanne

The little things

Isn't it the small things in life that bring the most pleasure? Sometimes I forget that and need reminding. I get caught up in the mundane; laundry, school work, driving around...I look out the windows in our home, but do not really see. My mind is elsewhere, right now especially it is on Bruce and all he is going through. Today, I looked, I really looked outside and saw the beauty of the marsh, the sun

, the trees. I decided to move our Sunday dinner, the dinner prepared by friends from my school, outside on the dock. To sit under the canopy of the oaks, overlooking the beautiful marsh grass, smelling the pluff mud and soaking in God's gifts. So with the help of the children, we set up a table, placed flowers from our yard to decorate and insisted that poor, tired Bruce come out and eat with us. He did. He came, he ate, and I could see him become energized by nature.

I also took the time to lay out all the amazing mail we have received to sustain us through our journey. It is beautiful and treasured, each and every letter, card, message. Thank you for everything. Enjoy this Sunday.

Gratefully,

Joanne

Celebrating with family

Tonight was a celebration of hope and faith. We gathered at Outback Steakhouse with Gayle & Jim and enjoyed a wonderful dinner. Tonight we laughed and took pictures. We are celebrating tonight...Bruce has his first infusion of chemo tomorrow....but we believe that the first infusion and every infusion after that brings him closer to healing. We believe.

The healing begins

Updating all of you amazing family members, friends, and friends of family & friends.....It is real, it is starting. Bruce starts radiation tomorrow and chemo on Thursday. I am so relieved that his mother will be here tomorrow so she can go to his first chemo with him. We are planning a very special celebration tomorrow night. We are celebrating the beginning of the healing process. We know the healing process will be difficult, uncomfortable, humbling. We know God can show His healing power through these doctors. We will be celebrating tomorrow night with our family, at Outback Steakhouse, where Morgan & Rhena work. We are looking forward to family time together and we want Bruce to enjoy a delicious dinner before chemo.....

A heartfelt thank you to all of you. The cards, the response to our 10 days of prayers, has been amazing and has given all of us the strength to smile, to laugh and to take one day at a time. I posted a young picture of Bruce, I love this picture....

Love to you all,
Joanne

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Last night we received lots of gifts! We had facebook posts of encouragement. We had the promise of dinner today prepared by my FoJo family, phone calls from family & friends.....

The doorbell sounded at dinner time, and my friend Carol was on the porch, smiling, of course. She is "heartfelt" fun loving and awesome. We ate pizza,laughed and shared our DAY 2 of prayer together, so warm and wonderful. We did homework with Michael and talked. What a gift!

I woke up to take Bruce to MUSC for his tumor marking surgery, and Rhenabeth had written sweet note of encouragement. Morgan sent me a text, I am blessed. I am in the waiting room, not sad, hopeful! And thinking, because I over think and overanalyze... The medical community has been my life for so so long, over 20 years I have been at home in hospitals and as a caregiver. It is both familiar and strange, however to be on this end. To see the radiation markings on my husband, to wait in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery, to see others start IV's or access his port; procedures that for many years I performed as a nurse to the many children in took care of who had cancer. I had no idea how it felt to be the family of the patient. I remember that every shift I prayed that I would be able to see Jesus in every patient I took care of, and that I would be able to provide the best care for them I could. Some days were
better than others, but I used to think," it is a 12 hour shift for me, but it is this family's life...." a reminder to myself....I hope all Bruce's caregivers feel and come to know how appreciative we are for what they do. And I hope they see Jesus in Bruce!

I

It really is NOT so bad on this side. Not when you have the family & friends we have. We are surrounded by family and friends, and we are grateful

The beginning

Tomorrow while most are still asleep Bruce and I will head to MUSC for the docs, once again, to put Bruce asleep....a minor surgery before radiation starts next week. The kids will get up and the coffee and breakfast will not be waiting as usual, they will be fine because they are so much older, but it will feel different for all of us. It is different because treatment is now underway. We have had butterflies in our stomaches. We have felt the uncertainty of anticipating change, we have been wearing our Blue for Bruce bracelets and praying a lot. But tomorrow we board the train and really start our journey. Tonight we are enjoying our Wednesday night shows and my co workers are generously planning and preparing the dinner they promised us tomorrow. They are feeding our family and I am so grateful. Tonight we will read one of the notes we received from family and friends.

God's peace,
Joanne

Being Strong & Walking in Faith...

Thank you for all of your prayers. Your prayers are the reason we are feeling strong, happy, and still enjoying life with the children. We continued our Clemson and Citadel football tradition, boating to clear our heads, and we are smiling and believing that God has His hand in this and will cure Bruce. We will begin our 10 days of prayer tomorrow, as planned, and will certainly feel secure and comforted by all who will be joining us. We are rejoicing tonight after meeting with Dr. Esnaola, MUSC Oncology Center. It was, by far, the first encouraging visit we have had. He is confident that with chemotherapy, radiation & his surgical skill level, that Bruce will be cured. We have a bumpy road ahead, but for the first time, we exited the visit with renewed hope and spirit. We thank YOU ALL who have prayed, encouraged, sent letters, cards, texts, and facebook messages to us; all are cherished.

God Bless,
Joanne

Tears

It happened today. I have been expecting it and waiting for it. The tears fell over and over today. I let the grief wash over me. I cried for Bruce and the suffering I know is coming for him, I cried for myself and the pain of seeing your loved one hurting, I cried for our beautiful children, I cried for the loss of our carefree days, and I cried for the raw pain deep in my heart mixed with fear and anticipation of what is coming. I am thankful for feeling and loving. I am thankful that I will be surrounded by family this weekend. I am thankful for our strong faith.

It is late and now I am ready. I am ready to find a way to be strong for Bruce and for our children. I can do hard things,Bruce can do hard things;we

have done them in the past. I realize today, I have to let go, relinquish this, so God can take this from me. So I am letting go...knowing that He is reaching out, grasping this trial and beginning to transform it from tragedy, to triumph....

Support

/I am already amazed at Gods hand in Bruce's illness. Our family is beginning a journey of unknown proportion and unknown destination; being led through darkness hoping and praying to be brought into the light with renewed strength and faith.... We already have so many who have joined us on the journey, so we are not alone; so many lighting the pathway with glimmers of hope and light.

God works through his followers to make sure we are all taken care of. Our family's hearts are full of gratitude and strengthened by the outpouring we have received from so many. Our children, including Rhena, who have quietly picked up extra chores around the house to lighten the load...who have continued to work hard in school and are giving extra smiles and hugs.
Every Facebook entry with a kind words of support and encouragement, every card received with handwritten messages,every  text  received with words of encouragement, prayers said for Bruce, food cooked by friends, so many acts of kindness by so many who are so busy with their own jobs, families, commitments and lives. So much giving to us from those with their own burdens to bear,  their own stressors. 

Know that every prayer is received and treasured, every kind work,every smile, text, facebook post, card, hug, meal prepared- all are equally treasured and equally appreciated more than you know.  We expect nothing, we know many who love and care are incapable of reaching out and we understand All of you have lightened the load, fed our souls  and helped  with the journey. All of you have dispursed sparks of light along the way and reminded us of God's constant presence. Rest in knowing that all who have reached out to our family, have already done enough, we are already strengthened, we are well equipped for what lies ahead, and we are here for you as well to help you all on your journey

God bless,
Joanne & family

In sickness and in health....

Life throws you curves. They come when you least expect them, they come at times you feel are not convenient, but they come; that is life. Curves make you a stronger person, they force you to stop and regroup, to cling to your family, to call on your friends. Most importantly, curves steer you back to God. We pray our deepest prayers during the difficult times, we depend on the only one we can to carry us through and turn bad news into something good: God.
Although he is with us through it all, through all the good, even when we are too busy enjoying life to pray like we should, he is still right with us. I feel strong right now. There will be days soon when I will feel weak,discouraged, sad...I will worry and fret, I will lean on my family and friends...I will pray deep prayers. I am thankful for faith, I am thankful that God chose for me to be a nurse and the wife of Bruce. I am honored to help Bruce through his illness. I am optimistic and sure that God is in control, as always, guiding us. So to anyone who asks what they can do to help: pray, pray deep and pray often. Enjoy every day, keep smiling, keep going and we will to.
Blessings,
Joanne

Missing Julie.....

Have you ever met someone who makes you feel so good about who you are, someone who constantly recognizes your strengths, someone who lights up the room? Then you have met someone like my sister,Julie. She was beautiful inside and out, but seemed oblivious to her own beauty, too busy acknowledging the beauty of those around her. She gave and gave....she adored her children and talked about them constantly.

Sisters. Four sisters interwoven so tightly in each others lives; deeply rooted in each others hearts as a result of a traumatizing childhood. Dependent on each other for unconditional love, guidance, and reassurance. Growing up, sharing a room, sharing clothes and secrets, sharing weddings, pregnancies, adoptions, and the trials and joys of raising our children. We laughed, cried, complained,& rejoiced together. We had bragging rights on our children,s accomplishments and an unspoken pledge of complete trust in each other. Like a quilt sewn together and softened by years of comforting use, we were comfortable and secure in our closeness.

Torn apart. Her family, her husband, her children, her coworkers, her friends....like dominos falling one by one, as the word of her death saturated her community, the pain was unbearable.
Too young, just finishing graduate school, just secured a job as a Rehab Counsellor. What happened, how did it unfold, so many unanswered questions that still haunt all of us today. We may never know what happened and all of us who were close to her spend tortuous amounts of time trying to figure it out.

Finding closure. We are all still seeking peace and closure about Julie. On this Labor Day weekend, which marks five years since her arrival to be with Jesus, we can celebrate her life and be so thankful that God gave us the GIFT of Julianne Marie Hendricks Lee; she brought Lindsey and Warren into the world, she touched countless lives with her joy and love, she was a wife, mother, sister, friend, counsellor. She exemplified Christ with her unconditional love .
Love you,sister, miss you. I believe you left us each better persons, just by having known and loved you.

Blessings,
Joanne

Sending Julie our messages.....

The Beauty of Girls........

I grew up with sisters, 3 of them & we were so close and still are. I always wanted a daughter and I am blessed with my beautiful Morgan. I am equally blessed with 2 sons, but this post is about girls....I have been spending time with Morgan and my niece Rhenabeth the last few weeks. They look like sisters and have warmed my heart with their unabashed affection and zest for life. We've hardly spent a dime, yet I have felt richly lavished with joy, laughter, a sense of fashion and wonderment. They make life fun and of course capture every moment of it with pictures and comments written on facebook. How they have taught me through their eyes and ways how to embrace each moment and be spontaneous. Yesderday, as I led them through college campuses in the sweltering Charleston heat, they did not complain, not once; instead they smiled, giggled, took pictures, asked questions and commented on the campuses, the beauty of the rod iron gates and architecture of College of Charleston. We window shopped in the high fashion shops on King Street, they played on the expensive software at the Apple Store and savored a simple salad and pizza at the Mellow Mushroom. Although I set out ready to educate them on colleges, as the day progressed, I was the one who received an education: I saw the simple pleasures through their eyes, I tasted pizza again, I saw the power of a smile,I felt the warmth of a hug, I saw the colors of fashion, I heard sound of laughter in the heat, the faces of two beautiful young girls with an entire world of opportunities and experiences waiting for them to dive into. Enjoy the pictures and bask in the glow of their smiles,
Blessings,
Joanne

Mother's Day 2011

I  don't ever remember not wanting to be  a mother; I always knew I wanted to have children. I was, however, not prepared emotionally for what happened when I did become a mother: I became overwhelmed and flooded with memories of my own broken, difficult childhood. I had so many doubts: how could I raise a family without having had a model of a "normal family" to follow? How could I overcome a life of poverty, mental illness and constant struggles to make a peaceful happy home for my own family? I quickly realized, I could not, but God could! I prayed so much and still do, and of course, God began to put amazing mothers into my life, to lead me, guide me & "model" for me. Myy oldest sister, Julie, who died in September 2006, and I shared being pregnant with our daughters, they were actually born 5 days apart. We shared our symptoms, she talked almost daily about our pregnancy, then, of course our baby girls. We didn't even change formulas without talking. It was the kind of closeness that you only get to experience rarely, but the warmth stays with you for a life time. I miss Julie and I cherish those days and credit much of her support for helping me transistion to motherhood....and here they are together when they were so young!

 Jeannie, my sister that is 19 months older than me is an important mother in my life. She struggled with not being able to become pregnant, as the other sisters were having babies. She rejoiced each time with us, I know it had to be painful to her, but she still rejoiced with our good news. Then, God blessed her and Jerry with 2 beautiful children through adoption. My heart overflowed with joy for them! and Jeannie & I have shared such a bond as mothers together raising our children....

 The cousins are all so close & make our lives so full......

My sister Cathy, with whom I went through all of my pregnancies with, because we both have 2 boys and a girl and our children are so close in age. We have kept in constant touch raising our families & making sure our children have plenty of time to spend together, even "swapping kids" in the summers. And Adele, my sister in law and I have been close. She is an amazing mother to her 3 and I have learned so much from her.

of course, and so importantly, my own mom, who despite the most difficult, poverty strickand situation, remained strong and did everything she could to teach us about God, life, family.....

And  then God blessed me again, with Gayle, my mother in law who is really like a "mom" to me. She has taught me to be patient, and to try to see the best in everyone. It is amazing how when we put down our burdens and let God pick them up for us, He does more than we could ask for, more than we expected. I am not even close to being a perfect mother, but I know God is leading me every step of the way & I have found complete joy in motherhood. To all the mothers who have mentored me, thank you, to those who need mentoring, ASK and God will put wonderful people in your path, for those who have lost children or lost their mothers, my deepest sympathy, and to all.....be thankful for this day!

Joanne

Teen years

Raising girls......

and boys......

looking back.....

& moving forward..

teens young, full of energy and ideas. Ready to conquer the world. Thinking that the adults know nothing about growing up, ironically, just like we thought when we were teens.Children on the brink of adulthood, yet in so many ways still naiive, still so young and inexperienced. I love their energy and independence. I love watching them learn to drive, signing up for electives in school that reflect their interests & personalities. The way they photograph every moment, feast on marshmellow fluff, go on youth group trips, and live life to the fullest.Sure it is a struggle some days, staying up until they get home safely, praying they make good decisions, planning for their futures....but I will take it anyday over diapers, temper tantrums and getting up in the middle of the night....i try to embrace and celebrate every stage with my children. sometimes i fail misserably, other days i live in the moment and enjoy it trememdously. each day i try to remind myself to wipe the slate clean, start new, remember that growing up

moving forward

and

letting....

go....

is part ot the journey